1. Strap subject to a crucifix, get the cheapest orbital sander from B&Q, sand their skin off, douse them in a vinegar/salt solution.

2. Buy the biggest iron industrial cheese grater possible, if one cannot be found, make one. Soak it in water for 152 years, attach to very big spring loaded camshaft to afford a vibrating motion. Very slowly (one inch per minute) lower subject onto grater feet first, or for extra mirth and quicker death, back first.

3. Turn off TV, remove power cable, strip 4 inches of insulation from all wires, insert one wire into anus, insert other into mouth. Stand well away from subject, turn power to TV back on.

4. Attach subject to bare spring mattress, place numerous sharpened 3 inch diameter bamboo plants under subject. Water plants with Babybio solution, attach headphones to self, turn up volume, listen to latest BeeGees album. Return to subject 48 hours later, witness pierced corpse with mouth agape and copious amounts of blood.

5. Employ 100 black persons to masturbate into 50 gallon barrel. Drown subject in barrel.

6. Secure subject to chair, force eyes open with sharpened matchsticks. Insert cork into anus, force subject to watch Coronation Street for 96 hours straight. Force feed baked beans and cauliflower soup. Do not allow toilet breaks or blinking. Await nervous breakdown and compound blindness to occur, force lit fuse into anal cavity. Await explosion.

7. Cram subject into heavily loaded cannon. Weld Sieve to open end of cannon. Light fuse.

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