Cheesophilia
News has reached us here in Squits Towers that a new craze currently emerging on the school children playground scene could make for easy, vile, pervert, paedophile access to vulnerable waif like children types.

The new craze, so far only identified by the psuedonym "Cheese" is thought to represent one of the most terrifying possibilities for grooming these young defenceless mammalians.

Subjects have been found in various states of undress in car parks,

playgrounds and even shopping malls, invariably with their pants around their ankles, eyewitness reports say that all children that have been subjected to these attacks had a cheese sandwich located somewhere on their person at the time of this outrage.

Parents are urged to check their childrens packed lunches for this catalyst to pervertory each day, offending items of "Cheese" should be destroyed on sight and reported to the local constabulary.

Corsican
A young Corsican man was found buried inside a table lamp yesterday, his original name is unknown but he has been christened "Daft Wanker" by local witchdoctors and fishermen.
Flabergasted
A woman was flabergasted yesterday when she realised she had left the gas on, unfortunately when she reported this to police in Cynulliad Cenedlaethol Cymru, Wales, it was found that her whole street had been gassed and where now unfortunately, dead.
Scores
Sheff Utd 0-5 Jupiter Incendiary Devices
Man Utd 0-3 Chelsea Pensioners 5-a-side
Alf the lovable alien 1-1 Sooty & Sweep